Aku: Bagaimana caranya agar bisa mengubah pikiran bahwa saya ini standart dan biasa saja? 

Psikiater: Memangnya hal itu merupakan masalah yang harus diperbaiki? 

Aku: Iya, karena saya ingin mencintai diri saya sendiri. 

I Want To Die But I Want To Eat Tteokpokki adalah esai yang berisi tentang pertanyaan, penilaian, saran, nasihat, dan evaluasi diri yang bertujuan agar pembaca bias menerima dan mencintai dirinya. 

Buku self improvement ini mendapatkan sambutan baik karena pembaca meraskan hal yang sama dengan kisah Baek Se Hee sehingga buku ini mendapatkan predikat bestseller di Korea Selatan.

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My rating: 5 / 5 ★

I think one of the most important lessons that I learned from this book is that there is only one "you" in this world, and you are special in your own way, regardless of what happens. I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokpokki is a book originally written in Korean, about a woman diagnosed with dysthymia. Baek Se-hee wrote the dialogues during her sessions with a psychiatrist, and included her inner thoughts on how she wants to love herself better.

Although it's already a best-selling book in South Korea, I was only made known of the existence of this book thanks to ARMYs (fans of BTS) in their Sherlock-mode again by noticing Namjoon (RM of BTS) placing this book on his bed (or bedside?) from a video clip of BTS. I am constantly amazed by Namjoon's philosophy and characteristics, so I always look forward to know the kind of books that he reads. It was a real shame I gave up on learning Korean properly–I really should get back to my lessons again someday–, so I could not read it myself.

But late last year, a good friend of mine from Indonesia notified me that their local publisher, Penerbit Haru, was working on an Indonesian translation of I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokpokki. And thanks to the same friend, I was finally able to own a copy of the book! This marks my first time reading a book in another language other than my mother tongue language, Bahasa Melayu, and English; but then again, Bahasa Indonesia is relatively similar to Bahasa Malaysia and thanks to watching a number of Indonesian dramas when I was young, I didn't have a hard time grasping the content of this book.

I don't read a lot of self-help books–I can't remember any apart from Loveability by Robert Holden, but I didn't even finish reading the book completely–so I was quite unsure what to expect from reading this. I had wanted to love this book, and that is exactly how it ended to be—and perhaps I love it more than I had hoped.

Although I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokpokki is actually a compilation of written dialogues between the author and her psychiatrist, I was able to immerse myself into the conversation, to the point that it felt very intimate, as if I was in her situation all along. I was never clinically diagnosed with depression or any other mental illness, but I went through my own dark moments and I could relate to most of the things that Baek Se-hee went through. The confusion in Baek Se-hee's dialogues mirror my own, and the psychiatrist's words sent me a blanket of comfort that I absolutely needed.

I had prayed for 2020 to start of well for me, but alas, January did not end as the best time for me. However, the presence of this book, the words and dialogues written by Baek Se-hee were able to help me cope with my own dark overwhelming thoughts. I didn't finish the book in one seating, it took a whole deal lot of times, but I am utterly grateful for it. I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokpokki is the kind of book that I will keep very close to me, and will reach out to it again whenever I'm at my lowest.

I definitely recommend everyone to read this book. I was able to relate to a lot of it, and I hope others will find comfort from it as well. I hope that even when you feel like dying, there is something that you still want to do to stay alive, no matter how small the matter is, even if it's only craving for some spicy rice cakes.

I rarely ever read non-fiction books. In fact, I can barely even recall any specific non-fiction books that I enjoyed reading. There are cases where I love to open recipe books or my mother's book on cat biographies, but mostly I found joy in the pictures rather than the actual words written in it. So, let's start on how I actually picked up Loveability.

I am currently doing a research on dark love in Lang Leav's poetry for my thesis, and I am in need of books related to anything about love. While I was browsing through books in the public library this particular one day, my fingers grazed upon the spine of this book and I pulled it out. My first thought was "oh, what a colourful title, that's interesting". But it was the "Knowing how to love and be loved" that intrigued me the most, so I decided to check the book out and borrow it to be read.

Honestly, even from the first chapter, I found the book to be very wonderfully written. Robert Holden has conducted a class/sessions called "Loveability" to discover how people see about love. He relates the things that he studied with true stories that he faced with his students, clients, friends and family. I think that is the part where it makes what he wants to present to be very genuine.

Robert Holden introduces about "unconditioned self", where humans have eternal loveliness and they love themselves without judging their own selves. For a person who finds it difficult to properly love herself at all times, I find his words to be very comforting. It feels like he talks to the readers to "let go of your insecurities and embrace yourself wholly because you are lovely enough as you are". There is no point in creating another version of yourself for the sake of appearing "good" to others, if you will not be able to love and embrace that version of you. Because it's not the real you.

Talking about loving yourself is definitely harder than actually doing it, and I have immense respect towards Robert Holden because he is able to bring himself to love himself wholly, and also helps others to do the same. I can remember one of the activities he mentions that he did in "Loveability", it is called Mirror Exercise. You sit facing another person, and the person holds out a mirror in front of you. Tell yourself that you love yourself and talk about the good things about you while looking into the mirror for around fifteen minutes (this is what I understand from the exercise, pardon me if I misunderstood). Once you are done, hold out a mirror for your partner for his/her turn.

Feeling curious, I actually tried doing it in the mirror in my room. The words "I love myself" rolled off my tongue easily, and I find it to be quite interesting. I didn't try practicing it for fifteen minute nor did I do it in front of another person, so I'm unsure of how I would react like if I did the actual activity. Despite only looking into the mirror and seeing only yourself, you are aware that you are still exposed to the world, so the result will differ from what you might expect.

Loveability also talks about us being made out of love. Love is inside us, and not something that we should seek outside from another person. Yet, at the same time, we should also be open to love everyone. I find this a very heartwarming idea; you embrace yourself and loves everyone around you. Robert Holden started his book with questions such as how would the world be if it revolves around love—now imagine. How will the world become if everyone can love themselves and love those around them? How will the world be if we can just love?

I didn't manage to finish reading the book because I got caught up with university's assignments, but even so, I learned a lot through the chapters I've read. Whenever I am consumed in anger, I often channeled hate towards myself. I want to learn to stop doing so and simply love myself and those around me more from now onward.